Before MS/After MS. Somehow, for now, that is how I define my life.
There are so many used to-s. I used to be so busy. I used to cook and bake. I used to be a compulsive cleaner. I used to love to plan a party. I used to be active in my synagogue. I used to drive my children to various activities. I used to workout every day. I used to run 5 miles every day.
I used to get passionate about controversial topics. I used to love to climb up on my proverbial soap box and voice my opinions! I did it for fun and sport. I enjoyed giving my brain a mental workout. It was fun to challenge people; make them think too. Usually in the end I would concede because I am not really a contrary person. If the debate took a turn for the worse, I would rather lose an argument than lose a friend. It didn't always work that way, however. I did lose a few friends for voicing my opinions and convictions. That was a difficult episode in my life, and it still haunts me. Even now, at almost 50 years old, I question my loyalties as a friend. But then I ask myself "Why am I not allowed my opinions? Why is it ok for some people to take a strong stand, and when I challenge her, I am the one at fault?"
While I try to "move on" from that episode, I find myself realizing how MS has taken away so much of the passion that once defined me. I am sure it is due to the survival instinct to conserve my energy.
Still thinking that somehow someone is sending me divine messages, I have suddenly been attracted to books in which the characters are close to G-d. There is the Judaeo-Christian theme flowing through these books. Oddly, the Christian message is "G-d's will". Not being a good student of Jewish theology, but a good listener of Rabbis' sermons, I am sure that the Judaeo concept is based more on "free will". G-d's will/free will. Is it G-d's will that I got sick? The Christian message would lead me to find the greater reason for G-d sending me on this journey. The belief would be that somehow I am supposed to figure out what G-d's true intentions are for me. Judiasm teaches me that I have free will. I can chose how I will live this life as it now is.
I like to think I am a good Jew. I like being Jewish. I believe in G-d. As the saying goes: there are no atheists in foxholes. But I am enjoying contemplating this Christian message and combining it with my Jewish beliefs. I would like to think that G-d still has something in store for me. I would like to believe that I can choose how I will live my life as it all plays out.
So now my passions have become internalized. I do not feel the need to stand on my moral soap box and debate my convictions. I have not yet defined my new passions. But as I gradually lose faith in my body's ability to function, I will try to find faith in my beliefs to continue to lead a happy, appreciative life.
It's easy to do from the comfort of my chair, here in my comfy home-
Here in my Shalom Babayit.
Laura - thank you so much for leaving your sweet comment on my blog! I have just been reading your profile and my heart goes out to you. None of us knows what's around the next corner. I think none more so than the people caught up in that dreadful earthquake and tsunami. I think too that it is not the situation in itself but the way we react to it. There is a favourite saying I like - the sun that bakes the clay also melts the wax. The way you have reacted to your devastating illness has made and is continuing to you into the beautiful person you are!
ReplyDeleteHi, I wonder what drew you to my blog? I am Jewish and I do mention that in various ways from time to time...even if it is just to say Oy Vey!
ReplyDeleteI think it timely that I just took on a new client this past week who has MS. Perhaps I will learn from both of you.
Thanks for deciding to follow my blog. I'll do the same here and am wishing you good days.
B'Shalom. Lynn
Hi Laura, I left a comment, but didn't finish the process and it disappeared!
ReplyDeleteI am glad I decided to visit this blog instead of the other this time...
What I have found in the free will/God's will issue is that I am free to make the decisions I want to make, but when my will(decision) goes against God's will, then it is trouble for me! Not because God is unloving or vindictive, but because He knows what is right and best.
Always!
I love the feeling that I get from reading this post. Thank you, wonderful.
ReplyDeleteYou are blessed and thanks for sharing it..Plz do pass by my blog on freeing your mind, follow and comment to improve my works too.Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI was raised Catholic, had a Jewish boyfriend but was not allowed to see him...my heart was broken and I KNEW God did Not forbid how I felt in my heart...man did. I am now Spiritual and as C.S.Lewis said, "You don't have a soul, you ARE a soul...You have a body."
ReplyDeleteSending TONS of love and light to you and believing you will find that path that leads you to Your center! Your soul....
hughugs
Hmmm, interesting that people seem to think I wrote this post...I am more a guest here...this is Tammy's blog:-)
ReplyDeleteI am impressed by your writing and glad I met you. In christianity there arevof course many tendencies about what G-d wants. There are indeed people who think everything is G-d's will, but I belong to a group believing that we have a free will and are responsible for our own decisions. Illnesses are not G-d's will. They should know better if they believe in Jesus. Everywhere he came he tried to heal the sick. He had compassion, he was comforting the sick and the poor. He was a man of peace and.. He was a Jew, who observed the Jewish traditions and not only believed that G-d is our creator and the One Who gave us rules to obey, but that He actually loves us as a Father and that we may see Him as our Heavenly Father. A father doesn't want his child to suffer. You are a wise woman to understand that your illness made your life richer, strange as it may seem.
ReplyDeleteI met a lot of people of all religions and many suffer from a disease. Some of them use their illness to draw attention, others changed into philosophers and are more aware that suffering is needed to become more attentive to the world around us, and makes us stronger. I didn't feel that when I was in the concentration camp in Java in the war and I hated the Japs who were so cruel, but I was a child of 10, 11 and 12 years old. Now I feel that these experiences were almost good for my personality. Christians must learn a lot from the Jewish religion. Joseph, son of Jacob became a wise man after his brothers sold him to an Egyptian merchant and after he was imprisoned. G-d needed Samson when he was blind and helpless. He needs faithful people and you are one. I cannot believe that bad thing come from G-d but I do believe that He uses them to make us stronger, more compassionate and caring. See how the people in Japan all help eachother and the whole world is grieving for their losses. We can learn a lot from victims who become victors, as one Australian Aborigine told me.
Sorry for this long rant. Thank you for coming.i needed it.
It was April and now it is July. I still come back to read these comments. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRecently I have wondered where a lot of my passion has gone - and it could be a defence mechanism to save energy lol!! I am a Gentile Christian but for many years have loved the Jewish culture and the Hebraic roots of my faith. As a Christian I have thought a great deal about God's will and free will and perhaps I have a much more Jewish mindset than many of my fellow-Christians!
ReplyDeleteI believe that God created us with free will, and He knew from the beginning which way that free will would go. We would choose to sin, resulting in the suffering and decay we see all around us. God will put it right in the Messianic Age. I do not believe it is God's will that I am ill. He declared His creation to be "very good" but it was cursed because of mankind's sin.
Since being ill, I have been plagued with suggestions and advice from the "well-meaners" - mostly contradictory. Everyone is suddenly an expert in what I should do to get well, based on anecdote and misinformation. However, the hardest to deal with were the statements and judgements from fellow-Christians. I had one man praying over me who told God that I had a "sickness of the soul" (i.e. it was all in my mind). Another said that I was ill because I was harbouring unforgiveness in my spirit. Another said I was ill because I had a demon! They were all trying to find spiritual reasons for my illness, and thought they were helping me with this sort of statement, but they did not realise how hurtful and judgemental they were being - how dare they presume to know what I was harbouring in my spirit! It made me very angry. What was completely lacking was any compassion!
There is a very disturbing and quite erroneous teaching prevalent today, particularly in the modern charismatic church, that Christians have a "right" to perfect health, and much emphasis is put on "healing ministries" for which I can find no basis in the Bible. People flock to healing services and come away bitterly disappointed and confused when they are not healed. I am not saying that God cannot heal people, but it doesn't happen nearly as often as people are led to believe! Not only are people not healed, but they have condemnation heaped upon them for not being healed, because they are told they don't have enough faith, and they come away crushed, feeling worse than before. I think this is totally horrendous, and the church should be ashamed of itself for misrepresenting God in such a way that it can completely destroy someone's faith.
I believe the reason I am ill is that we live in a flawed, fallen world. These Christians should look at the statistics. Just as many Christians wear glasses, have their teeth filled, get cancer, get colds, get MS, get old, and die as non-Christians. Fact.
While I do not believe it is ultimately God's will for His creation to be imperfect (and He will perfect it in His own good time), I do believe that when illness strikes, or bereavement, or any of the problems of this life, God has given us the opportunity through these things to look at life differently, to trust Him more, and to make something worthwhile of our life THROUGH the suffering. Having the suffering isn't the issue, as this is common to humanity - it's how we deal with it that counts. God does not send our suffering; He suffers in it with us. The healing of the body is not His ultimate purpose for us, but to bring us closer to Him, to mature us and to help us trust Him more, and ultimately to bring glory to the King of the Universe. Let us be like Job who said "The Lord gives; the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord!"
I have found a great deal of wisdom in the writings of Joni Earickson Tada who has for many years been a quadriplegic after a diving accident in her teens. She has an incredibly strong Christian faith and a life of meaning and service which would probably never have taken place had she not been paralysed. God has not healed her - He has used her as she is.
Shoshi