More Free will/G-d's will

In general, I don't want to die. I don't "think" about death. I don't wonder about it. I don't have a "bucket list", and I don't "live my life to the fullest because each day could be you're last". I am neither prophetic nor profound enough to engulf myself in that much virtuosity.

When my kids were little, we would take a plane to visit my parents who were snowbirds in Florida. Here I was, this not so seasoned adventurist with a preschooler and 2nd grader in tow. Yeah, it did occur to me I should have a plan in case of emergency. I contemplated "Sophie's Choice", but that was just too upsetting. So instead I told my kids a little story. If the plane should happen to get into trouble, and if we are crashing, this is what you do. You put your head between your legs. And you kiss your ass good bye. No lie! That is what I told my young children! That is my sense of humor! Or is it?
When I worked at Service Merchandise many years ago, I befriended a wonderful person. We were of similar age and life situation.  Late  twenties, 2 kids, happily married, working part time for extra money and to maintain our independence. Her mother had died when she was a junior in high school. Because of that, my friend had the philosophy on life that you should live it as though you could die tomorrow. If you really want to do something, you should. But at the same time, she emphasized, you may NOT die. So you must still be responsible and plan for your future.
I adhere to both of these principles.

My husband's uncle died last week. He had  a sudden heart attack and just dropped dead. We went to the wake yesterday. We decided we would take the long drive from Nashua to Marshfield and make a day of it. We figured Uncle would be pleased we were having a special day because of him. We lunched at Scituate harbor. We took pictures of Scituate lighthouse, and then we drove through Brant Rock. We still had time before the wake, so we pulled into a parking spot to look at the ocean. My husband opened the car window and I closed my eyes and listened to the ocean sounds. Lest you think I am the only family member with a warped sense of humor, my husband interrupted my thoughts with his query, "what would you do if a huge wave suddenly rose out of the ocean and came over the sea wall?" I chuckled. I thought to my self I have MS, you know. That is what happens to me everyday. But I told him what I knew he wanted to hear. I'd put my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye.
So we went on to the funeral home. I really liked this man. He was funny and smart. He welcomed me into the family 27 years ago. He was a true Irish guy always ready with a joke, a song, and a story. His daughter told her story of his death. She went into his room in the morning. He had one leg out of bed and was reaching for his nitro pills. She kissed him. He was cold. Here's the twist, Uncle had been caring for Aunt. She has advanced Alzheimer's disease. She has been slowly leaving this world for many years. She is lying comatose on her death bed even now. Uncle simply dropped dead. He was reaching out to live. G-d's will/Free will.
Last night I dreamt I was reading my Dad's obituary in the newspaper. He is 87 years old and still kicking as I write this. In the dream I tried to call my sister. I couldn't make the phone work, and I couldn't find her phone number. You know the kind of dream I mean.

So I'm not sitting here contemplating death. I am not even contemplating life. I'm just here for the ride. The eternal question that humanity loves to meditate on. Is it about the goal or the journey? But when all is said and done, I will simply put my head between my legs and kiss my ass good bye.

Yeah I know it's easy to say from my comfy chair here in my Shalom Babayit.