Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
Really? Isn't that what we do when someone asks "How are you?" and you reply "Fine thanks, and you". When really your head is spinning, your neck is aching, and you're trying so hard to focus your eyes. And quite honestly, you don't really give a shit how they are doing because you're just basking in the glow of knowing you had a shower today and your underpants are right side out! It's not a totally heartless apathy towards the other person, more of a survival instinct where you can only shoulder so much weight before you drown. There is that philosophy that states in giving, you receive, and I do try to be aware of that. But I really am not all that altruistic, and all I can give is a listening ear.
I used to work. Really, I did! I had a real job in a real place with real co workers! I didn't really like it so I faked my happiness a lot. I would put on my mask every day and give the appearance of having an upbeat, positive attitude.
Oh what a tangled web I wove.
Pretending to be happy and caring came crumbling down with my first crazy symptoms of MS. When symptoms became more apparent to others, "the landslide brought me down".
Then I got to stay home.
I thought about all of the things I could do now that I didn't have to work!
I could do my crafts! Maybe I'd even have a shop on Etsy, or set up a table at craft shows! I'd
bring in a little extra money to help hubby pay the bills.
bring in a little extra money to help hubby pay the bills.
I'd make quilts for everyone, even my grandchildren who weren't even born yet!
I'd bake treats for all the neighborhood kids!
I'd become a writer! Children's books would be my thing!
Of course, being a writer meant I'd have to become an artist so I could illustrate my books. Or perhaps a photographer and I'd fill my books with photo stories.
Being the organizer that I was, all of those pursuits would require lessons and an orderly course of instruction.
A funny thing happened on the way to those ambitions. I found people who had achieved those very goals, and guess what? I simply enjoyed being their audience!
I was already an avid reader, but I discovered more genres of books and I found blogs written by the authors giving me insight to their lives!
I found quilting magazines where I could peruse pictures of fabrics! Alas, minus the feel and smell, but a visual cornucopia of color and design!
The search on becoming a children's book writer led me to find one of my favorite blogs
"The Pioneer Woman"! From cooking to ranching with a love for her family and her dogs, this blog is my number one source of diversion.
"The Pioneer Woman"! From cooking to ranching with a love for her family and her dogs, this blog is my number one source of diversion.
Following closely on the heels of PW is the work and blogs of many artists.
I can peruse their creations for hours. I get lost in the blogoshere of art. The artists who so generously share their work grant me a glimpse into their world of creativity. At first I imagined I would create beautiful art too. But then I realized, in a most satisfying manner, I can not "do" what these wonderful people "do", rather I can enjoy the results of their works.
I am the audience.
I'm not donning my mask anymore. I'm learning to tangle my web in a different way! And if you are a fan of Zentangle, as I am, you will understand me even more.
Just appreciating the artists and writers of the world here in comfy chair in my shalom
babayit.
babayit.
Love the Zentangle Tammy! It's great.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, the "how are you" question... I remember years ago my friend with MS used to dread that question, and I now know so well what she meant. As soon as you are asked, you have to weigh up in a second what has motivated the question. Do they really want to know? Have they got half an hour to listen to the answer? or is it a social question, the normal noise that comes out of people's mouth after the "hello" noise. If the latter, you say "Fine, thanks" and move on to other subjects.
Mostly I say "not too bad, thanks." I can't quite bring myself to say "fine" when I'm not! If I'm totally honest when I answer, they begin to wish they'd never asked...
People have no idea what it's like to feel ill most of the time, or what turmoil they set up inside us when they ask their innocent little quesstion.
I am like you in that I derive hours of enjoyment admiring the work of others online. When I am able (and not prevented by illness, or the fact that my entire ARTHaven is now occupying several tower blocks of boxes waiting to be moved to our new house!) I create, and my greatest joy at the end of a creative day, is to upload my photos and write a blog post which I know my followers and visitors will enjoy! The comments and appreciation of our audience is half the enjoyment of what we do - as when I make something as a gift for someone specific, their enjoyment in receiving it makes it all worth while. So keep up the good work as a member of the audience, Tammy - your role is a vital one. Our work is reflected in the smiles of our audience!
Today I had a moment of real joy as a blogland friend, Helen, who regularly contributes to the Tag Tuesday blog, used one of my tangle patterns (Spawn) in her alphabet tag for the letter S! She's done a lovely job, and she wrote such a nice piece about me, with a link to my blog. I love all this sharing online!
Shoshi
Thanks for your visit, Tammy, and your good wishes for our move. Yes, it's actually happening at last! There's so much to do before Monday but I expect we'll get it all done in time - I'm busy crossing jobs off the list! Trying not to overdo things and keep as well as possible. There will be lots to do at the other end, so the work won't stop with the move. I'm so looking forward to getting settled and having my own "Shalom baBayit"! (I don't care if I never see another cardboard box lol!)
ReplyDeleteShoshi