I am still trying to show an outward appearance of being a happy upbeat healthy person. Now I am realizing that somehow the charade is more detrimental to me and those whose lives I touch. It is a difficult concept to grasp that those who love you most will see you for what is real. I suppose it is only human nature to deny what they see. Somehow, the definitions of strengh, leadership,and courage blur. The way you define these things in one chapter of your life evolves. You turn the page to start a new chapter. You hope that you can find a new way to define strength, leadership, and courage.
Today Doctor Segarceanu, Chris and I decided it would be best to take a medical leave from work. Fortunately for me, there are so many laws to protect disabled people. I tip my hat to those who have provided me the opportunity to take advantage of these protective laws.
There were many factors that contributed to this decision, and it was not made lightly. I had been of the mind that work would give me a reason to get up in the morning. I enjoy human inter action and, for the most part, I have some wonderful work-friends. I was not ready to give that up. Plus, keep in mind, I worked hard to become an optician. It was a second career choice for me requiring a return to academia. It requires ongoing education that I spent a great deal of personal time on. So, no, it's not like I was a brain surgeon or anything, but it was something I had dedicated myself to.
But, alas, working was taking it's toll on living. People would tell me to consider the quality of life that I was now living. Still, I didn't feel I had the right to take that route. Afterall, does anyone REALLY WANT to work? Who am I to get this "get out of jail free/Do not pass go" card???
Well, this is who is allowed it: the person who can't pick herself up off the floor. The person who can't drive anymore, can't put her shoes on, can't get out of the shower,can't hold a phone, can't walk without assistance, can't pull her own legs into bed. Oh the "can'ts"!!!!!I have to think about the "cans"!!!! I can be a good friend, can recommend a good book, I can suggest pleasing music, I can laugh at all your jokes and listen to all your stories, I can enjoy a good movie with you, discuss current events, and learn "how it's made" (Alex!)
When one door closes, one door opens. Perhaps I am supposed to learn a new way to live my life. It will be different from others, and others may resent me for getting to stay home. But I will still be forced to live in this vessel that is my body. The physical confinements, I believe, will somehow enlighten me to a liberation of my spirit.
Having always been a somewhat introverted person, I am not afraid of being alone. Loneliness
So I will spend the next ten weeks resting, going to physical therapy, and trying a new medication. We will see if rest can somehow provide the groundwork for stability. Perhaps I will return to work! Perhaps I will get better! Chris and I will see how this hand plays out. We will accept what life has dealt us and we will find a way to live our life.
Goooooooood luck!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Aly
ReplyDeleteSo much of who we are is determined by what we do, by our society, Tammy. Being forced into the position of having to give up a beloved career because of ill health is more than just giving up something you love doing and have invested a lot of your life in, it's also about losing a sense of role, and self esteem. It really shouldn't be like this but in our western culture, people are usually defined by their job (when people meet, it's "What do you do for a living" that's uppermost!).
ReplyDeleteOne of my favourite phrases is a quote from "The Sound of Music" - "When God closes a door, He is sure to open a window" which is another way of expressing what you wrote - this has helped me so much since I first became ill. I believe our lives are a series of times and seasons, and one of the secrets to a happy life is to accept when these come and go, and not try to fight the change. I look back on all the things I used to do when I was well, and it's like another life - I have happy memories of it but no bitterness at its loss, as my life is now full to overflowing with other things, many of which are less tangible, but no less valuable.
Like you I am not afraid of being alone. I lived on my own for several years before getting married, and I am used to my own company and do not feel the need of the constant company of another human being - it's all about balance really - I love being with my hubby but when he is out or away for a time, I am happy to have the house to myself. The Internet is a great blessing to people who are more or less housebound - it has opened the door to a whole new world for me, full of potential new friends, new interests, new opportunities to learn new things.
Since I have been ill, I have learnt a very valuable skill - to take the time to enjoy the present moment - not to be hankering after a past that is gone, or worrying about a future which may not even happen anyway! Having the time to watch the birds feeding, or to stroke a cat, is precious indeed!
Giving up one's career is a major upheaval in one's life but it doesn't change the essential "you" - status is always more important than function!!
Shoshi