mindset and mindfulness

I'm no psychologist, but I see one on a regular basis. What does that mean? It means that I'm more self-aware or mindful (in current psych-speak) than your average person. Does this make me any better able to cope with everything large and small? Hell No! It actually contributes to the termite mound that contains all my other anxieties. I like to think of this mound as something edible since it eats me up inside. Choose your own favorite candy bar with the nougat or peanut filling.

As someone who has spent the last two years wallowing in the pity pigsty, I can offer no sisterly advise. I don't have any inspirational testimony. I am not a credit to my race.

I am, however, as Tammy proclaims, a survivor. Fall down. Oops. Get up. Can't walk? Crawl.
Can't drive? Ride. Surf the amazing internet. I can't think of a better waste of time than following one link of knowledge to another.
Watched the dateline special last night about the guy who cut his own arm off in order to escape certain death when he was pinned in a canyon by a boulder. Inspirational enough to produce a book and movie, but what did he gain from this? When he described in horrific detail the process of hacking through his own flesh and bone with a dull pocket knife, I couldn't help but wonder, what if that had been me? Could I have fought against what seemed like the inevitable. Defy an 'Act of God'? Find a reason to live? Took me back to a time when I was scuba diving off the coast of Massachusetts. A friend from work and I were hunting lobsters. Circumstances and details aside, I nearly drowned and had to be pulled to shore. Nobody can attest to the panic that wells up from your gut when faced with your own demise. Maybe his realization was slow and incremental. Mine was sudden and overwhelming. I would not have been able to cut through anything. I was blind with panic and ended up entangling our buoy rope around my own legs. I couldn't even save myself.
Was I a failure? I survived, so I guess that's a no. But I needed someone's help. Again, does that make me a failure? I think it obligates me to pay it forward and attempt to save someone else sometime between then and the next time. Maybe not physically, as that is not my strong suit anymore. When I try to think of a talent or gift that is within me, unique and worth giving, I am humbled. I can crack a joke. I can denigrate and self efface my own shortcomings enough to make you forget your own, if only for a moment. Maybe, that's enough. Maybe, that's the equivalant to dragging a drowning person to shore. I hope so.