Teeter Totter

There is a picture in my head that has become my defining symbol of late. It is a picture of teeter totter.

I am both literally and figuratively precariously perched on the apex formed by the unsteady motion of the contraption. A strong gust of wind, invisible to the eye except for the aftermath of its affect,could set the apparatus in motion. A strong minded, opinionated person could climb aboard and also set it in motion. Both with inexplicable motives, yet both virulent in the intense way they will affect my own sense of balance.

So I looked up the definition of TEETER:

1. To walk or move unsteadily or unsurely; totter.
2. To alternate, as between opposing attitudes or positions; vacillate.
3. To seesaw.

And then I looked up the definition of TOTTER:

1. to walk or move in an unsteady manner, as from old age
2. to sway or shake as if about to fall
3. to be failing, unstable, or precarious

I also wanted to see how SEESAW fit into the equation:

1. (Group Games / Games, other than specified) a plank balanced in the middle so that two people seated on the ends can ride up and down by pushing on the ground with their feet
2. (Group Games / Games, other than specified) the pastime of riding up and down on a seesaw
3.
a.  an up-and-down or back-and-forth movement
b.  (as modifier) a seesaw movement

I contemplate that of a seesaw. It is, by definition, a game. It also requires two people to "play". I try to find a good laugh everyday, but this thing that has taken over my life is not a game. I desperately seek happiness, but my life is not a game right now. I do go back and forth, and up and down but it is not due to my feet pushing me off the ground. And I do need other people to help me find my balance. It is true, I could not sit on a seesaw by myself.

The definition of teeter totter pertains to the act of walking. I can not walk without teetering or tottering. I rely on assistance from a cane, my walker, my safety railings or Chris's outstretched hand.
And yet it is not just the physical act that leaves me teetering. I sway between the desire to maintain my independence and the knowledge that holding onto that fleeting stubborn yen will only cause me to fall. I hate falling. So I totter to Chris's outstretched hand. A strong grasp that reaches out and pulls me to safety.
The physical act of getting dressed. I teeter on the edge of the bed, unable to find the balance to pull my pants on. A fierce streak inside of me screams out "I can do it myself!" but then frustration sets in. I totter to the strong shoulder that Chris offers. I lean on him. I apoligize for both my weakness and for how this is now his life too. He reassures me in a very steady manner "it's ok,babe. I'll take care of you." There is no teeter tottering in him at all. And I wonder if I would, if I could, do the same for him if it were reversed.
He lays me in my bed. I am safe. And yet I continue to teeter totter.I am lonely, but I do not want to burden anyone with my life. I want to make everyone understand my struggles, but I know people have their own shit they are dealing with. And I teeter totter on the fear and doubt in me that I could ever reciprocate what I am asking for.

I had wonderful phone date today. I chatted with a very dear friend who has MS also. There was no teeter tottering as we shared what our lives have become. Our "normal" is just different now. And as badly as I feel for what her life has become, I am so grateful G-d gave me her to share stories. We laughed at ourselves, and we found comfort in the knowledge that someone "gets" us. She has two daughters and a caring husband. We both are so appreciative of the blessing of family. No, there is no teeter tottering there.
But I do teeter-totter on my desire to find that spiritual, peaceful place she has found. And she teeters on reassuring me that she still feels the frustration, anger and fears that even she can not find the spiritual strength to keep at bay. But then she totters on her explanation of how focusing on a single word will give her strength to carry out a task. We talk some more about how we look out the window and find so much to see. We are so busy now. The sheer act of living fills every moment of our day.
I talked to my Michelle today. There was no teetering there either. She has become a wonderful friend to me. Yes, there was a time when I teetered on the delicate balance of the mother-daughter relationship. But we defined our relationship in our own way. Michelle knows Chris and I will always give her support and encouragement. It did not happen overnight. She gained our respect over time-almost 21 years to be exact!! She makes well thought out choices. She is kind, and compassionate. Yet she has strength and conviction. So I confidently tottered to a comfortable spot in our conversation of current events and weekend plans.
Alex goes off to work and I teeter on the irony of role reversal. Chris and I are both not working, but our boy is! I totter to a feeling of pride that somehow Chris and I had a part in creating this young man who posseses such strength and dignity.

And still, I teeter totter. How much do I tell people? Do I continue taking the Rebiff that makes me so sick but at the same time is somehow supposed to prolong my life? I teeter totter on that philosophy of quality of life vs quantity of life. I teeter totter on whether I will return to work. Will we have enough money? And what about the belief that work gives you a sense of purpose and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Tottering, once again, on that philosophy on the quality of life and how I would spend the few good hours I get each day. And more still the question of why do I get the "get out of jail free" card?

So while there is some places in my life that I still find stability, I also teeter totter. Strength courage. My Seesaw of safety and falling.

Finding comfort in my shalom babayit.