The Word Du Jour

It's funny how a blog will roll around in my head. Some blogs never make it onto the virtual page. Sometimes I over think them. It will start as a word and I will look up the definition. When I do, I find that it's not what I meant at all. I suppose that's the difference between taking yourself too seriously and just going with a thought.

Some blogs are due to a course of events. I guess I like those the best because it means that to some extent I am still aware of what is happening around me. I'm still fighting the urge to go inside my head too much. I guess I'm afraid it'll just be to lonely in there. Don't get me wrong! I like it in my head. It's a good place! I am basically a good person! I am mostly happy! But I enjoy other people and their stories about their lives so much more. I enjoy learning from other people. 

"Friends" seems to be the word du jour lately. So I was contemplating and am resisting the urge to go to my iPad app dictionary to find the definition of friend. (I did however, check to make sure I was using the expression du jour correctly.) What I am thinking is that the best friendships we have are those that we define on our own. Just as 'they' keep telling me that everyones MS is different, so too is every friendship.

In his blog, "The wheelchair Kamikaze", Marc recently wrote about friends. It is  a great and inspirational read. So many people, myself included, relate to Marc's blogs. Does that make him a friend of sorts? We have never met, and yet I seek him out as I would any other friend.
My daughter recently shared a revelation she had about friendship.  She went out with a few girls she has known since elementary school and they had a great time. She found that they just were themselves.  We know this life lesson deep down. Our mothers teach us to just be ourselves. But in reality, if you don't go with the flow, you get  voted off the island. But she found that with these particular girls, each was a separate element that formed the group. She has had other friends who insisted she become "part of the group". An active glob that moves around as one homogenious entity. She could never maintain such friendships as she fought for her indepence and uniqueness. Not that she fights society and can not conform on a social level, just that she chooses to maintain her own sense of self. While there is a kinship that comes from being a part of some groups, there can also be a stifling effect that robs you of your independence. So she found that some friends simply ARE your friend. Simply because you share a history, a desire to have a productive future,  a sense of self.

Some people want to BE your friend. Some people simply ARE your friend. My favorite (note not best) friends are those that ARE my friend. BEING a friend just implies too much energy. There is the notion that one must work at their friendships. Friendships must be nurtured and tended to. You must take an active role in ensuring the friendship lives on. Ah, again, an active role is where you lose me. The people who want to BE a friend scare me. They want to do things  for me and give me things. I have nothing to give back. I suppose in a warped way that is one of the blessings of having MS. Somehow I have become exempt from any obligations. Some MS people are out there doing so much. They make me tired just to look at them. I suppose I could force myself to do stuff. Actually, I know I could. But I dont want to. At least not yet. I don't like what happens to my body when I do stuff. Sometimes the fear of an attack is just as debilitating as the attack itself. So I avoid what will make me feel bad.  I have found some wonderful friendships with old and new friends through emailing and through this blog. Perhaps it is simply because we share stories. There is no pretext, no expectations, and most importantly no physical activity. Some friends want to come visit. While I relish the physical contact, it takes  alot of energy to do, to plan, to be. I am learning to accept visitors on a new level. I don't feel the need to "entertain" anymore. These people who ARE my friends simply come and visit and laugh and tell stories. 

It's difficult not being able to give back. That is why my favorite friends are those that simply ARE. Tell me a story. Make me laugh! If you ask how I am, allow me to be sad, but realize that it is your mere presence that makes me happy. You don't have to DO anything or Be anything. You just Are my friend.

It's nice to know there are people that are my friends. It makes it not so lonely here in my comfy chair here in my Shalom Babayit.